Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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