3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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