By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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