Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
