very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
