JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
