Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Less talking, more tequila
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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