How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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