dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
