my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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