I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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