my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
