I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
