dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
