She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
