I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I stole an accordion from the bar
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion