im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.