I seem to have left my pride at pride
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.