guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark