So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I need a beard to bite.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
