I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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