My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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