you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
