I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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