My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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