I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I need to align my fucking chakras
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
