Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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