new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
