I accidentally burped into my bong.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
