thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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