I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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