My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
