At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
