I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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