he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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