We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.