I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
