i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
