His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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