we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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