Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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