I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
