Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
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