the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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