I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
