whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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