I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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