White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
