the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
