Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
