drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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