we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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