my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
