Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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