Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
