My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
