so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I am mentally ready for anal.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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